Grape Jelly

(Author’s note: I decided to take an online creative writing class recently. The class itself was “meh,” but a couple of the prompts were fun. One of the weeks we were told to make a list of five things we dislike and then choose one to write about. Here’s what I wrote.)

One of the perks of being a history nerd is that I can often get relatively good quality books (and some not so good quality books) cheap or free. The bargain section of Barnes and Noble is my second home. Especially because I’m a teacher, publishers will send me examination copies in hopes that I will choose their books to use in class. I rarely do, but I appreciate the books. I’m a bit of a collector.

A few years ago, I received (unsolicited) a short biography of Abraham Lincoln by British historian Jan Morris. She began the text by comparing Abraham Lincoln to…grape jelly. In her words, “They seem to represent all that I distrusted about America: synthetic, oversweet, slobbery texture, artificially colored, and unavoidable.”

She made this statement on the first page of the book, which caused me to pause and take a step back. Within Ms. Morris’ comparison, I have very strong positive feelings and opinions about Lincoln. On the other hand, I agreed completely with her about grape jelly. I was dismayed that by the end of the book she had come to terms with both Lincoln AND grape jelly. Lincoln I could understand. He was one of the truly great presidents we’ve had in the US. But grape jelly?? C’mon now.

The dislike I have for grape jelly (I won’t go so far as to call it hatred, but it’s close), stems primarily from my adoration of peanut butter. Peanut butter and jelly are ubiquitous, and the jelly is nearly always grape. I don’t understand why. Grape jelly reminds me of the gelatinous goo that sometimes forms on meat when it’s been in the fridge for a while. It looks like someone scraped that off their ham, injected it with purple food coloring, and added a little sweetener. Grape jelly doesn’t even taste like real grapes. If it did, I might be able to tolerate it a little better. I just really have a hard time understanding why someone would choose to eat grape jelly. Even when it is my only option with regards to jelly flavor, I will forgo the jelly all together. I think that’s why I just started eating peanut butter with a spoon.

I should note here that one of the other dislikes I listed for this thought experiment was intolerance. Especially since my wife and son both like grape jelly, maybe I should work on my acceptance and intolerance of those who choose something that I despise.

And then there’s my daughter who, following in her father’s footsteps by doing her own thing, doesn’t like peanut butter or jelly of any kind. I asked her doctor once if there was something wrong with her. The doctor didn’t think my joke was very funny.